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sammy says: For fuck sakes ashley sammy says: just say it ashleyyy... says: what hurts the most in that facebook message you sent me was this: "On Millers paper it says as of this second, CAMILA, JESS and SAM. I am not touching that paper." All I wanted was to make sure i was going to share a room with people I actually knew, not anybody I barely knew. I wasnt expecting all this to happen. sammy says: well the people you know dont want you there sammy says: we're tired of it ashleyyy... says: I know. that sucks..and i cant change that now sammy says: you cant just have a fit and except it to go your way ashleyyy... says: i dont even know what fit you're talking about sammy says: camila told jess you had a fit sammy says: and your msn names were all whiny ashleyyy... says: when? sammy says: not long ago ashleyyy... says: well i really dont remember sammy says: being that childish to be upset in an msn name is what made me not want you there ashleyyy... says: well i'm trying to change. ashleyyy... says: I'm trying to be more..fun sammy says: and you didnt even consider the relationships between other people ashleyyy... says: oh camila must have been talking about this note i wrote on facebook. but that was on a really shitty day. I barely meant most of it. sammy says: you dont monitor your actions at all sammy says: how are other people supposed to know what you mean ashleyyy... says: i dont know. but will you guys just give me a chance or something? i promise i'll never complain to any of you guys AGAIn. sammy says: you keep coming to me like im going to do something about it, when we really i did stand up with you for awhile, and it made me have some words with jessica sammy says: but i cant stand who you are anymore sammy says: you had so long to change ashleyyy... says: I'm trying to change ashleyyy... says: But i was doing better for a while. ashleyyy... says: Like, in drama class. it's fun. ashleyyy... says: I was being more outgoing and louder... sammy says: no you werent sammy says: you held on to us like we were supposed to carry you ashleyyy... says: how?! sammy says: you always said you didnt have a group sammy says: why? because people are tired of you ashleyyy... says: because the other kids have their own groups in that class sammy says: and i know that sammy says: but if you were different, then there would be no problem ashleyyy... says: UHHH...i dont know how this all started, but yeah i'm sick of myself too. sammy says: then you need to take a step back from everyone, and fix yourself up ashleyyy... says: Im trying to, ok ashleyyy... says: I know I was talking too much about the NY thing, but i was just trying to ensure that we'd all have a good time. Is that so selfish? sammy says: no sammy says: you wanted to ensure you had a good time ashleyyy... says: I may have said that, but I do want everyone to have a good time ashleyyy... says: Well anyways, I'm sorry OK? ashleyyy... says: by the way, " Everyone feels like hiding it from you, because you're going to react badly to it." I swear it would have been better to tell it to me in person, gently...like one on one...sooner than now...because all those times we were having fun in Drama class, I actually felt good about myself...now, knowing that you guys had HID it from me all this time, hurts. Sure, if you told me in person, ashleyyy... says: it would hurt, and yeah I would cry, most likely, but it sure hurts more like this...because it's almost the end of grade 11 now. And how long have you guys been hiding this from me? sammy says: since you started crying every day sammy says: I really hate to be the bitch here sammy says: but everyone I talked to is tired of how you are sammy says: and even people who arent your friends, know this is how you are and they told me they are tired of it too ashleyyy... says: Well like i said before, Im trying to change/ ashleyyy... says: Ok, this semester, I was starting to heal myself, I really was. ashleyyy... says: It may not have been so noticeable to you guys ashleyyy... says: but i really was sammy says: You're something different when you're talking in conversations like this, but on the outside you look like you're attention whore who cries.. and no one thinks you have anything to say, but I give you credit that you do sammy says: In the real world, you cant just cry in the middle of a meeting because your boss picks on you sammy says: or run to the bathroom ashleyyy... says: i'm aware of that sammy says: you really cant tell on the outside sammy says: but its good to know that you know that, and that isnt meant to sound bitchy. its meant to sound like im proud of you that you know that because they all think you dont ashleyyy... says: yeah, i know it, but if someone does something mean to me, I will cry. because that's just me. I'm really sensitive, ashleyyy... says: which is probably why they think i dont know it ashleyyy... says: i cry when a horrible thought comes into my head. sammy says: you got to flush it out sammy says: i get those too ashleyyy... says: sometimes i'm able to flush it out, sometimes i'm not. sammy says: maybe you need to talk to someone about that ashleyyy... says: yeah i guess ashleyyy... says: but really, i was healing when this semester came... ashleyyy... says: i was healing little by little, very slowly ashleyyy... says: but right now, i'm not sure if this whole thing should be considered a part of the healing process, or if it's just another big wound sammy says: you should take it as a possitive thing sammy says: would you rather not know at all? sammy says: all the hiding behind your back ashleyyy... says: true.. ashleyyy... says: it's not going to be awkward at school, is it? sammy says: no sammy says: i just dont want anything to do with you until you change ashleyyy... says: i am changing, little by little ashleyyy... says: i havent cried in school yet, if that counts ashleyyy... says: because you guys are entertaining and fun. i like you guys. you make me forget about my problems. ashleyyy... says: i dont know why, but it's mostly when i'm alone that i start feeling depressed sammy says: what did jess say ashleyyy... says: about what? sammy says: whatever she said when you talked to her ashleyyy... says: actually, she didnt say much sammy says: what did you say and what did she say ashleyyy... says: oh well she did make some points ashleyyy... says: like there are times when i feel like i'm never apart of a small group of friends, and she reminded me that i was invited to vivians birthday ashleyyy... says: ok, i just noticed something ashleyyy... says: i love you guys because you guys are fun, and loud and stuff. ashleyyy... says: you guys have wayyy less drama in your lives than other people do ashleyyy... says: i think thats all i need. fun people. i cant be with people who are just as messed up as i am because i'll just want to scream ashleyyy... says: trying to help them and myself at the same time sammy says: jess sammy says: we're all messed up sammy says: the reason we have fun is to forget about it all sammy says: i mean ash sammy says: fuck its late sammy says: and im drugged up sammy says: nyquil sammy says: so yeah sammy says: camila has problems sammy says: jess has problems sammy says: i have problems sammy says: we talk about it for a little sammy says: then we have fun ashleyyy... says: well none of you talk to me about ashleyyy... says: your problems ashleyyy... says: THAT"S why i'm always upset and feeling lonely ashleyyy... says: because i want to try and help sammy says: because you havent maybe formed that kind of relationship with them.. no one wants to tell you because youre sad about yourself ashleyyy... says: ughhhhh this is driving me crazyyy...we all used to be friends in grade 9 ashleyyy... says: we had that kind of relationship back then, i think sammy says: the thing is sammy says: camila doesnt know jess's problems sammy says: and jess doesnt know camilas problems sammy says: camila thinks false shit about jess, which i know arent true ashleyyy... says: can i ask you something? when you said that even people who arent my friends know how i am.. sammy says: yes sammy says: other people ashleyyy... says: like who sammy says: think youre really sad sammy says: im not going to say who they are sammy says: just your general classmates sammy says: make comments that they see you cry sammy says: im not even their friend, they just say it when i pass by ashleyyy... says: oh ashleyyy... says: well anyways, maybe camila and jess should talk to each other one day? sammy says: they maybe do and i dont know about it sammy says: but theres some things can only tell someone once you know they been through the same thing ashleyyy... says: thats true ashleyyy... says: but yeah, in grade 9 we all used to friends...jess, camila, vivian, paula.. ashleyyy... says: we used to have that close kind of friendship i valued sammy says: they still are close, but camila spent all her time towards victor but shes still kinda there ashleyyy... says: i know...i guess i'm the one who's drifted away ashleyyy... says: ughhh isnt this killing you? it's killing me sammy says: what is? ashleyyy... says: this whole thingy sammy says: im numb to it now sammy says: i got too involved in it sammy says: i just want to be with the two people who connected with me, which were jess and camila.. and they wanted to backout because of you and that made me feel shitty of course but when can you do ashleyyy... says: AHHH i'm sorry ashleyyy... says: i wanted to be you because you connected with me ashleyyy... says: you were like the one person i've felt actually cared so far sammy says: i did ashleyyy... says: i'm sorry i took it so far sammy says: but i just didnt want to deal with you anymore because you werent changing ashleyyy... says: I'm..try....ing.... sammy says: well whatever happens, happens ashleyyy... says: like i said before, i was starting to heal a bit when the new sem came sammy says: we need to see more sammy says: i already had this huge thing with katarina trying to get camila in our room and that wasnt pretty and it actually involved miss miller sammy says: so im not going to go to a teacher again to fuss over it more sammy says: theres just a time where you back up and the chips fall where they may sammy says: if you are in our room, i wont mind ashleyyy... says: i just dont want to end up fighting with someone on trip...it may sound selfish, but if i do i'll just be re-living the past. and i dont want that. sammy says: jess might fight with you ashleyyy... says: because drama seems to follow me wherever i go, and im trying to ditch it sammy says: she doesnt want someone depressed in the room ashleyyy... says: well i wont be depresed ashleyyy... says: i wont complain about my problems sammy says: dont fake it ashleyyy... says: I'm not sammy says: deal with the problems sammy says: alright ashleyyy... says: this is like the only problem i have ashleyyy... says: that, i miss my sister like HELL ashleyyy... says: *that, and sammy says: i dont know whose going to be in whose room sammy says: i do know im going to bed sammy says: goodnight ash ashleyyy... says: ok, goodnight ashleyyy... says: get better soon. sammy says: thankyou sammy says: you should go to bed too ashleyyy... says: i will. and im sorry about all this. sammy says: its out there already
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falloutxg1rl's journal
